i had the opportunity to go to my first (and last [only?]) xoxofest this year. it was magical. the talks were incredible, i got to see some old pals from glitch, a new pal from webflow, and even a 2-pal-2-furious from both glitch and webflow! the new people i met at xoxo were great, portland food was delicious, the transit was surprisingly pretty great for the west coast... i could go on. tbh though, i felt a bit like an imposter. i was surrounded by cool people working on interesting projects, and i'm... a software engineer?

something that i noticed over the weekend that really stuck with me was how other people were introducing themselves. a large number of people i met introduced themselves using "i'm an X, but in my day job i'm a Y", or maybe just "i'm an X" and then later mentioning that they have an unrelated day job later, which was really powerful to me. i've never really felt worthy of claiming a label other than the one associated with my job title. after graduating design school, i went straight into software engineering because that's what had already been paying the bills, so, i can't really claim the labels "designer" or "artist", right?

no, i studied design and game dev; i've made video games; i've written ttrpgs; i've built i don't know how many electronics projects; i still do those things (though maybe not many ttrpgs anymore); and honestly... i think i'm pretty good at those things, too. so, why do i feel like i can't seriously do these things, and downgrade them to a hobby that's sidelined in favor of progressing a career that doesn't interest me? there are a lot of potential reasons: imposter syndrome, capitalism devaluing the arts, a fear of the vulnerability required to share my works with others (even though i already know i was able to overcome that in design school). i can't really fix capitalism, but i can let the other concerns go.

after i got home and somewhat settled back in (tangent: i started adderall for my adhd again last monday after discontinuing it in early 2020 because my psychiatrist didn't do virtual appointments and tennessee required you to use paper prescriptions for controlled medications so i, adhd girlie, had to keep up with paper prescriptions??? what a joke. anyways i'm tired as hell because my brain is finally relaxing and i've been sleeping like shit for 4 years without it), i updated my website and swapped the first and second paragraphs of my home page. what was "i'm a software engineer and for fun i make games and play around with hobby electronics" is now "i'm a game designer and electronics maker, and as a day job, i'm a software engineer." these aren't my hobbies; they're my art. they're what being me joy. i'm still a software engineer i guess (...for now), but i don't find joy in cranking out new features in the venture capitalist startup machine and never really have (okay maybe i did a bit at glitch because i love the product), so i don't identify with it. it just pays the bills. it's a very small reframing, but those kinds of shifts are what make things happen for me, so i do it anyways.

i also deleted a boring-ass blog post about some typescript bullshit that i slogged through writing a few months ago but wrote nonetheless because i needed to get some creative energy out and i felt obligated to make it about my day job because ~productivity~... whatever. i'm gonna start by sharing some electronics projects i've built over the last few years, the first being a very easy, low risk post about a light that i built for my wife for her yarn cabinet that automatically turns on when she opens the door. cool shit. i'm also working on a game currently, and in a few weeks i hope to share some more info on that soon. maybe some sketches, definitely some design and direction ideas, hopefully some code eventually. hell, i might even take a page from jenn @ livelaugh.blog and occasionally blog about something i'd actually consider one of my hobbies, candlemaking, which i had to pick that up recently because i was spending a bit too much money on candles and had wayyy too many empty cute containers around the apartment.

i'm excited. :)